DC Dating Pool: Need Lifeguard
First of all, I must give a hat tip to DCBlogs for kicking me towards two great posts that set my brain in the direction to write this post.
As C-Money states in the above-linked post on the DC Pinays blog:
“It has been said that if you’re single in DC, chances are that you’ll probably remain single for quite a while.”
Sister, you ain’t lying.
Being single in DC is basically a lose-lose situation. Dating in the workplace is a bad idea and trying to meet people through Craigslist or the happy hour scene is not a winning proposition. If you’re single, male, in your mid-30s and not a buffed-out adonis (I’m definitely not unattractive, just a little pudgy after years of being a musician, touring and hard living), your prospects are even worse.
I’ve been in the area for about a year and a half and I’ve not had one single, solitary real date (not to mention *ahem* anything else). The one person I met through the aforementioned Craigslist turned out to be a fun friend, but even she’s fallen off the map. This is the longest I’ve been single (counting the 2 years I was single before I left my South Texas home) in my life…and tomorrow doesn’t look any better. Why?
- I work entirely too much. — Working at a DC think tank during the week and then working on my own entrepreneurial web projects nights/weekend, not to mention helping out a startup private-sector space exploration advocacy group in what little spare time I can carve out, does not leave much time for much of anything else. Hell, I’m lucky to have time to write this damned blog! That said: if I could find a great woman to spend time with, I’d full on make time for her.
- I am not as “hot” as I was 10 years ago. — I know; shocker! 10 years ago I had a flat stomach, a higher metabolism and was playing drums, hard, for 4 hours a night, at least 2 nights a week. No matter how much beer you drink, that will keep you relatively in shape. 10 years later, I’m a desk jockey, haven’t played in a band in 2 years (no time, see #1) and the beer has filled me out a little. I’m definitely not obese, but I’m not skinny either. I have more of the “stout biker/teddy bear” look nowdays. In a town as superficial and “metrosexual” as DC, my buzzed-head/goatee/stocky/biker look doesn’t seem to go over too well.
- I’m not “ambitious” enough for the women of this burg. — From what I can tell, in DC terms, if you’re in your mid-30s, aren’t making $100K a year, don’t live by yourself or own your own (vastly overpriced) house or drive a Benz (used to have one) or Beemer, you’re a slacker and they don’t want to know you. Their loss. I have a great job (making above the local average salary), I have roommates (I like to live frugally) and I don’t drive (why waste money on gas/parking/traffic violations when you can Metro everywhere?). I also have a fascinating life story (most likely far more fascinating than theirs) which gets more fascinating every day that I live here. If they equate that with “loser”, there’s nothing I can do about such a narrow-minded point of view.
- I have no “game” anymore. — Yes, everyone says they can’t stand “games” when dating. I’ll be the first to say it. But “game” and “games” are two separate things. When I was in my “rock star” phase of my life, meeting women was easy because they would practically throw themselves at me. I’m not complaining, mind you, but it does cause one other thing to happen: I never developed “meeting women” skills, i.e. “game”. If you and I are just having a few drinks and talking, I can be the funniest, most interesting and charming guy you’ll likely ever meet, but if I’m trying to meet/introduce myself to a woman, it’s game over. I get nervous. I say stupid things. I get really shy. And for anyone that knows me and how much of a talker I am, me going shy is a perplexing, if interesting, sight. Needless to say, that makes it even harder for me to meet women…especially women I find attractive and interesting.
- I smoke. — Yes, yes, I know. Nasty, nasty habit. I’m working on quitting and am down to about a pack (more or less) every day and am going on the patch next week. That should help my chances some…hopefully.
- Online dating is a joke. — Seriously, trying to meet anyone through Craigslist (or any of the overpriced, commercial dating sites) is an exercise in futility. Half of the posts are spammers. The rest are either photo collectors, gay men posting as women, women posting fake photos or just absolutely unrealistic women. You know the ones I mean:
I’m 4′6″ tall, 280lbs, love 420 and look like a Salvador Dali version of a barstool, but I want the local Brad Pitt lookalike. NO PIC, NO RESPONSE!
Give me a BREAK! On top of all that, when you answer a woman’s ad, you never get a response. Period. I have never yet gotten one single response from an ad I responded to…and have only gotten one response to the one ad I’ve posted. Three words: waste of time.
- That’s enough. I’ll stop there, lest I sound like I’m whining.
I do have some good things going for me, but apparently, women in this burg rarely get past the “cover of the book”.
- I’m not unattractive. — True, I’m not your hardbodied adonis, but I’m still decent looking.
- I’m smart. — I’m intelligent, informed and can talk about current events/computers/politics/music/religion/movies/books or just about anything else out there, unless it’s sports. I’m just getting back into following football (Cowboys fan…I know…shoot me :P), but can talk your ear off about anything motorcycle-related.
- I’m funny. — With the right catalyst, I can be hysterically funny and keep everyone in a group in stitches for a few hours. My sense of humor runs the gamut from sarcastic to puns to terribly twisted and sexual. You never know with me…but it’ll usually be damned funny.
- I’m stable. — I may not have the BMW/house in Georgetown/$100K per year job…but I have a nice job. I make nice money. I have an apartment with roommates. I’m not a drug addict or hardcore alcoholic.
- I’m a hardcore foodie and love to cook. — Caveat: when I have the time. The kitchen is currently pretty bare and I eat out a lot lately, but I would definitely break out the kitchen skills for the right woman…and she’ll definitely be impressed. (This most likely also helps contribute to my midsection.)
- I have great stories. — Doing all that I’ve done in my life has left me with a string of amazing stories to tell. Makes for great bar/party conversation…and you’ll never get bored.
- I like to snuggle. — I know, not very “manly” of me, but, dammit, I *like* PDAs and holding hands when walking down the sidewalk. I like snuggling up with my girl on the couch and watching movies. I don’t fall asleep *right* after the deed. Plus, my body is like a space heater, so I’m realy good to snuggle with in Winter. ;)
- I’ll stop here, lest it sound like I’m bragging. ;)
Part of the problem is me — that I will admit. I need to get in better shape and probably update my wardrobe. Quitting smoking will help, but I like savory foods, so my breath will go from “ashtray” to “garlic and curry”. I’m not changing the food I like, so I guess I’m S.O.L. in that situation. I’m trying to grow my hair back out from keeping it buzzed, but the “q-tip” stage annoys me to no end, so I just keep buzzing it. Getting back into exercising little by litte, so that should help drop a few pounds. All in all, all this could do nothing for my chances at meeting women, but at least I’ll feel a little better, no matter what.
That said: the other part of the problem is the unrealistic attitudes and wants of women in this town. Everywhere, you have average women with average bodies, cute faces and average lives who want the Brad Pitt lookalike and probably retch all over their keyboards when someone like me answers their Craigslist ad or sends them a drink from the other end of the bar.
Get a clue, ladies: there are average guys out there, like me, who like average women. We like the size 8-12 girls. We like curves. We don’t want runway models. We want someone we can love for who they are and will love us back the same way. Oh…and lots of sex wouldn’t hurt. ;) The point is: lower your expectations a little. NOT lower them just to get anyone, but don’t overlook the guys that don’t quite match your ideal. We might just be who you’re looking for, but didn’t know it.
Oh…and don’t always wait for the guy to talk to you. Be a little aggressive sometimes. Not “domme” aggressive, but if you think a guy’s attractive, go say “hi”. Some of us never developed “game”, so it’s difficult to get up the nerve to introduce ourselves.
All that said: I’m not giving up and hopefully it won’t take me 3 more years of being single before I meet someone. *cross fingers*
Comments & Trackbacks
Dude, as a single guy, I can definately appreciate your post.
It’s somewhat unrealistic to want women to be “more agressive” when they don’t need to be. All they need to do is sit in a coffee house and smile and they’ll get hit on. Attractive women get hit on at least 5 times a day walking in the city.
One thing I’ve learned is that “nice guys aren’t attractive”. All the “great things” you said about yourself makes you a “nice guy” and “a great provider”, and that’s not what women want as of right now. The only thing that doesn’t make you seem like a “great provider” is the fact that you’re funny, which is something a woman can appreciate right now.
Historically, it’s always been “guys pursue, women select (accept or reject)”. The “game” you were talking about are just creative ways of “pursue”. We as guys need to reprogram ourselves from the social norm, and think of ourselves as “selectors”, not “ones being selected”. I don’t mean acting differently, but genuinely reprogram ourselves to think that way, and we’ll automatically act as, and have the confidence of “selectors”. Add that with a few techniques (such as pick up lines, what to do in different situations, like when women test you with “I can’t confirm Friday, why don’t you give me a call that day and see if I’m busy)
I know the above sounds like some BS. I am by far not “great with women”, but I’m working on it, doing my research, trying to reprogram myself for the “right way of thinking, trying different techniques to see which ones work more often than others, etc. Other than not having time to do anything, you just have to have the patients of rejection. All rewards come with a cost.
Paul,
I totally understand your points about this, but I’m just a lousy “pursuer.” The last few times I tried to start up conversations with and introduce myself to someone I found attractive, I got shot down like a rookie WWI pilot going up against the Red Baron. It was ugly.
Also, even though I look like, and can sometimes be like, the “bad boy” that women so dearly love (God knows why) in the short term, that still doesn’t seem to work, etiher. Heck, I should have this thing down, especially with the bad boy look and some bad boy tendencies…but with the nice guy morals, ideals and things that make women love me for the long term…but this town, and the women living here, are just *weird*. They definitely have a different mindset from the average Texas girl.
Or maybe I’m just hanging out at the wrong bars. ;)
this is a very well turned piece, i kept nodding in agreement/understanding, because YESSSS dating in dc sucks.
but here’s the thing: i don’t think it’s a matter of lowering one’s expectations. i think people need a complete expectation overhaul once they start climbing out of the superficial muck, and it may be something that only comes w/ personal growth. you stop looking for the stupid traits that got you hot when you were 20 and start appreciating people for who they really are. as a single almost-30 woman, i know that the men i’m interested in now are the people i get to know and connect with, not the hot guy at the bar who wore his best shoes and would probably wait 3 days to call me (because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? plot and plan and blech.)
don’t give up, there are still good eggs in this town. good luck!
You’re just not evil enough. Just kidding, but DC is a power town, and confidence and women in DC flock to men who have power or own the potential to garnish it. That means a confident, “I don’t care whether you go out with me or not,” attitude is a must. If you do that, you’ll have a hard time finding free nights on your schedule. That’s my experience.
DB
Ok - I definitely think you’re giving the women of DC a bad name. Especially since 89% of the men in this city are looking for unopinionated bimbos because you CANT have a woman who challenges you and forget attractive girls who GOD FORBID happen to be more attractive than you and you can’t deal.
The problem is there are too many napoleon-complexed ego maniacs in this urban jungle who need their egos stroked, are so infatuated with their own self worth they can’t see straight and have their heads so far up the place where the sun don’t shine that they can’t look around and see that the women outnumber the men in this town by a great deal and if you would just talk to a woman like SHES A PERSON instead of a prize to be won or a potential rejection you might actually get somewhere.
just a thought.
I think it’s bad on both sides. Whether you are male or female dating in DC sucks.
Add to the fact that I haven’t touched alcohol in years, never smoked, never did drugs and am still a virgin (SHOCKER!), people write me off as “boring” before getting the chance to know me.
Don’t get me wrong, I get attention…but only from skeevy older men and thuggish guys with a limited vocabulary of “boo” and “shorty (shawty!).”
All they need to do is sit in a coffee house and smile and they’ll get hit on. Attractive women get hit on at least 5 times a day walking in the city.
Yeah…I go to the coffeehouse and get nada from nice normal guys. As soon as I leave I hear nothing but stupid come-ons from the most ghetto and thuggish men.
If I lowered my standards and settled for a thug, then it would be “easy.” But I want more for myself, hence making it harder to meet people.
No, it’s not fair, but we can keep trying until something positive happens.
I’d say it’s just as bad for women probably. I think most women don’t realize it though until it’s too late. DC is a very, very career driven city - and add all the stereotypes that fit under that umbrella - you’ve got a lot of dating roadkill. I’ve only been up here a short time but I’ve noticed that most women (late 20s - mid 30s at least) moved to DC to (obviously) further their careers, get ahead in the man’s world so to speak…except that one day they wake up and realize they’ve done that - and they’re still single. And like you, maybe they forgot to develop some of those “skills” needed to actively pursue the opposite sex.
Regardless, you’ve got to get out of your routine. Dating can be exhausting - especially on top of a work life that is already draining. Chances are you don’t really need to change how you look or who you are at all, you just need to get out there more. And I don’t mean on craigslist…you’re not going to find her on there. But maybe checkout match.com - I’ve heard good things. And local singles groups are always planning activities in DC as well. I know you’re not asking for advice, so I’ll stop…
One other thing…I smoke. And yeah, it’s nasty. But everyone’s got nasty habits, you just might not be able to see them light up and put their habit in their mouths.
Moat importantly - give yourself a break. :) It’s all in the timing…
[…] Texpundit, who describes his work as the “semi-coherent ravings of a Texan, expatriate now living in Washington, DC,” discovers the sad truth about dating in his hew home. It starts: Being single in DC is basically a lose-lose situation. Dating in the workplace is a bad idea and trying to meet people through Craigslist or the happy hour scene is not a winning proposition. If you’re single, male, in your mid-30s and not a buffed-out adonis (I’m definitely not unattractive, just a little pudgy after years of being a musician, touring and hard living), your prospects are even worse … […]
Maybe you should try the blogger happy hours. Those are full of some real people, mostly all single and ncie looking.
I agree 100% with everything you said and then some. But lately I have been having success with some of the women here by taking the “I don’t care approach” meaning that if I see a woman and I wanto talk to her, I do. If she’s not responsive, then I move on b/c there’s too many women here to concentrate on. I’m also finding out more and more that it doesn’t matter what you have or may not have, b/c alot of the dudes you described with the benz’s, big houses in Georgetown, etc..either don’t like women or the woman theydo have is not happy and is searching for someone else. So just keep doing your thing and focus on you b/c at the end of the day, the same superficial,golddiggin women will wake up and realize that they’re lonely and its time for them to get off of their pedestal and take a look at the good guys they passed up. But these women face the harsh reality that the good guys are no longer available because the good guy now has a good woman who makes the superficial girls look like slobs and sloths.
Hey Sugar!
Perk up luv!!DC gals are’nt ALL bad!!! …ok ok there are some uber bitches out there but ..craigslist??..yikes.. the time i tried it..the dude literally offered me $ to let him come by before work in the mornings for quickies!! lol.. but that said…well you never answered me (cuz i write EVERYONE back..my mama taught me manners) and i totally have a thing for pudgy biker trash texans!! as long as it is indian larry kinda bikers not some big dog wannabes! lol.. best to you!!
“Kinky in ‘06″
xoxo
OK, Texpundit..I’m no dating expert by any means, and like others have mentioned, dating here is is a extreme challenge unlike other cities. In fact, I’ll venture to walk on a very fragile limb and say it’s probably easier to date in New York, Chicago or L.A.than it is here. Hell..I could write a book about dating dillemas here, but no one would beleive me, lol!
Similar to yourself, I am very frugal. I am also very down to earth and I also drive a 13 year old car, don’t have an IPOD, wear Brut from time to time and drink beer from the bottle like it should be! I don’t feel the need to showcase my education either. I don’t fit the “mold” of your typical DC resident. and I’m proud of that fact immensely.
I moved here 6 years ago, and man, dating or no dating, this is a LONELY place if you don’t know anyone. Being single, however, magnifies that effect greatly. I dated a few women I met online, and the situations ended up being disasters. I almost gave up totally on dating, even comtemplating undying allegiance to the priesthood when I went back to my old hometown one weekend and met a girl that I am still with and plan to marry soon. I won’t say being involved in a long distance relationship is fun, but she is worth it.
What I am saying, Tex, is cast your line outside of the DC area and you will find a woman who likes you for who you are. All hope is not lost, and don’t give up!
well, you aren’t going to get very far with dc women by maligning our city and stereotyping us as all the same!!
i agree with those who have said that dc is a very power-obsessed, ego-maniacal town. this affects both sexes equally. but i also agree with the woman who wrote that you’d do better if you just had a conversation with women like they were people instead of looking at every woman as potential “win” or “loss” in the dating arena.
there are a lot of people in dc that aren’t into the money/power/ego thing. i guess you just haven’t found the cool people yet. but i don’t think that’s the whole problem.
you assume that women aren’t interested because you aren’t an adonis or you aren’t ambitious enough, but you don’t REALLY know why any given woman isn’t interested in you. you are undoubtably correct about many of the women in dc. but there are a lot of cool women in dc who don’t care about muscles or money or clothes, and i think many of them will STILL be turned off by your attitude.
i’m not trying to cut you down at all. i say this with all kindness, in the genuine spirit of trying to do you a solid. you haven’t been in our city for very long and it sounds like you are spending a lot more effort complaining about its negative aspects than in trying to seek out the cool aspects. you are acting like some kind of victim just because you haven’t met a woman you are compatible with in dc, even though you admit that you don’t get out much, don’t have the best social skills, and were single for even LONGER back in texas before you got here!
none of this is attractive, dude. if i were single, i’d be all over a funny, smart drummer in his mid-thirties. (actually, i’m living with a funny, smart drummer in his mid-thirties who i happened to meet online, but that’s neither here nor there.) without sounding conceited, i suspect i’m just the kind of woman who is in your target audience. but i’d be totally turned off by all your negativity and your stereotyping and your fixation on finding a date.
seriously, you need to chill out, find a new crowd to hang with, and just talk to some women. not to pick them up, just to talk to them. just have fun and enjoy your life, and you will meet like-minded people.
Well maybe you should start hanging out with us Texas girls in D.C. You can find us at Rhodeside Grill watching the Longhorns on Saturdays, at Texas State Society events and occasionally dancing at the Legion.
OMG, what Red said!! I can take every one of those points you made about women in this town and apply it to men. DC is full of short, dorky, balding guys who couldn’t get laid in high school, who now have some wonky, “powerful” job and they think they deserve the Swedish supermodel they used to whack off to back in the day. And this isn’t just conjecture — I’ve had the same short, dorky, balding guys actually TELL ME they deserve this, because of how “hard” they’ve worked to get where they are!
I know TONS of awesome, successful, single women who are not looking for an Adonis or someone with money. They want someone mature, with whom they can have a meaningful conversation. That, my friend, is a scarce commodity. If you can find it, send it my way!
Hello
I can’t be bothered with anything these days, but shrug. I just don’t have anything to say recently.
Bye
Guys generally don’t concentrate on how not being “hot enough” hurts them in dating, UNLESS (in my experience), they live in the DC area, where all of a sudden that becomes the primary requirement. Yes, DC women tend to gravitate and favor wealthy, ambitious, and influential men, but the “hotness” factor is a strong stand-in. In other words, DC-area (and by that I mean the entire N. Virginia, suburban Maryland, Washington DC area) women put a very, very high premium on looks — probably more than women of any other area I’ve ever seen, in the US or out. Something makes DC females very spoiled…. it probably has to do with all the Student Body Presidents, Most Likely to Succeed, Valedictorians, and Football Team Captains moving to DC, dressing up in smart blazers and trying to be the next “fair-haired boy” and the new JFK! Too many of these characters all crowding around one metro area leads to the ladies having ultra-high expectations! DC is the only area of the country (except maybe for Manhattan) where EVERY woman wants a really hot-looking guy, even if she’s very average looking, and these very average looking chicks end up getting these very hot guys, too. On the other hand, what you NEVER EVER see in DC is an extremely hot chick with an average-looking guy. NEVER. That’s something you see in Hollywood all the time, but NEVER in the DC area!!
[…] Joe T. on DC Dating Pool: Need Lifeguard:Guys generally don’t concentrate on how not being… […]
Post is exactly what its like everywhere. I live in Canada and its the same thing here. Woman only want top 10 hottest guys or they won’t even look at you. They won’t even admit your alive unless your the hottest guy inthe room. I basically gave up on trying to have a wife and family.
Funny thing is i’m 31, tall, and generally good looking and great sense of humor. Woman are just mean. I’ve gone out of my way many many times to start conversations and been great to woman on dates and just in public. The response I get is nothing short of terrible. I can’t even believe how lopsided it is.
Now everywoman is on a cell phone and that reduces your chance to approach them even more. As for online dating… Its the worlds biggest joke. This is the icing on the cake when it comes to woman only wanting good looks. 90% Of them post “NO Pic no response”. In other words, “If your not hot I don’t care what you say or who you are.. i won’t like you”. What kind of mean jerks would write that on their profiles? aparently basically every woman.
Another thing… I’m sick of turning on my tv and seeing woman “ACTING” to sell things and talking to men and being happy. They arn’t like that in real life.
I wish men could get together and strike or something. It shouldn’t be like this.
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