I’ll be the first to admit…I have no fucking clue…especially not what makes DC women tick. I’m lost. I have 900K half-baked theories…but none of them eventually pan out. Therefore, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. But, I will venture to guess. ;)

Now, most of my observations will be short and rather alliterative… and if you hate that, stop reading now. If you’re cool with that pathetic literary device…I urge you to keep reading…because you’ll probably hate me halfway through this screed…and I can use more hate, thank you. :P

What makes women tick? First on the list…bombs. Seriously. Grab a woman you hate, strap her up with about 50 lbs of plastique and a detonator… and drop her right in the middle of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave… you’ll never have to deal with her again. (Psst! Hey you! Yeah, you…Secret Service guy…it’s a fucking joke.)

Of course…if you drop her in the middle of the Middle East, the same thing is bound to happen, although they’ll drop her off at an American embassy. Oh well. *shrugs*

I could go on and on and on and on and on about W/M relationships…but I think it boils down to this one semi-simple fact:

Men and women all want the same things…but men are trained to hide the fact that we want intimacy, love and cuddles with a woman we adore.

It’s that simple. The “men are from Mars…women are from Venus” crap is just subterfuge. We all want the same thing…we just have problems with expressing that fact…whether it be from family and developmental pressures when we were young…to peer pressure when we’re older. Men are stuck in this emotional limbo where if we are not sensitive enough…we’re “pigs.” But, if we’re “too” sensitive, our friends…and potential women dates…call us “pussies.”

Men are stuck between a rock and a hard place…which means we’re continually getting caught humping rocks…because women are playing so many games…AND…for some reason…they like us more than rocks. *shrugs*

I will again state that I have no clue as to why women and men don’t *quite* get along…my long string of failed relationships…and the fact that I haven’t had a single real date in the two years I’ve lived here…Hell, my disclaimer speaks for itself.

So, what *do* I know?

I know that women, in general, hate insincerity. Ignore the trailer park bitch when a tear well up in her eye every time her hubby smacks her a couple times, then proceeds to tell her “I WUB ROO!” Women, more the most part, like honesty…preferably without beatings in between.

Next: women like “guys.” For the most part, women like regular “guys.” NOT boring, average, “want to see my navel lint collection?” guys.

Women don’t like extremes…unless they’re initiating and involved in them. They don’t like guys that are “extremists”…whether that means they’re “does this bomb belt make me look fat?” religious extremists…or “lets GO GO GO!!!” social extremists… or “I love you so much my heart is melting into a million tiny rose petals” sappy extremists. As paradoxical as this is, women just like guys who aren’t afraid of being “guys”…but aren’t…”guys.”

Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any sense…but whoever said women make sense? *shrugs*

Now, I won’t go into the materialistic aspect of relationships, because that’s a fucking minefield. Some women love “T3H BL1NG” while some women love it when you bring her a book from the used bookstore (as long as she’s been looking for it for a while and hadn’t found it yet). Some women love crackers and cheese delivered to them in bed…and some would kill you for making such a gesture because they’re messy, gluttonous bitches and they realize this, so they’re pissed that they might mess up their 300,000,000 thread count sheets.

Nobody ever said life’s fair.

So, what can you do?

I dunno. Like I said, my dating life has been absolute shit since I’ve moved here. I don’t really have any other advice than: “be yourself.” Yep. That’s it. The best you can do is “be yourself”…because if there’s one thing women hate more than anything else, it’s being fake…mainly because they get pissed if we “out-fake” them.

Did I just say that out loud? Oh yes I did. No wonder I’m alone. :P

Seriously, though, guys…just be yourself. If you stay true to yourself, you’ll eventually find someone out there that will love you for you. The journey may be long, tedious and filled full of emotional potholes…but it will eventually bring fruit.

Hopefully, the journey won’t take so long that you start feeling fruity and decide to switch teams…

…but that’s a whole different post.

(FYI: I will be at the next DC Blogger Happy Hour tomorrow night, hosted by a bunch of people that apparently people in DC hate…so I guess I’ll be in good company. *shrugs*)